Sometimes It Sucks

For over two years I've dreamed about doing an Ironman.  I can't explain why I want to do it, but I do.  The first time I watched a video of the race I was hooked.  I knew I had to find a way to get to that starting line. It's hard to believe that in less than six weeks I'll be in Arizona for my first Ironman.

To be honest, the last few days have not been great.  I've hit that low point where I've been questioning my sanity and why I would willingly put myself though something like this. It's not like I'm getting money for finishing. Last week I was crying because I was tired.  I though I could just suck it, but earlier this week I broke down again.  After work I headed to the gym for a long swim session.  I struggled the whole time I was in the water.  I had to talk myself into each and every miserable lap.  About half way through the workout I ripped off my goggles and got out of the pool.  I sat in the locker with my face buried in a towel crying.  I didn't even care that there were other people in there.  They politely ignored me.  I finally got myself together and left.  Of course, I broke down again as soon as I got in the car. I was disappointed that I didn't finish my swim.  I was disappointed that I gave up, but I really didn't have what I needed to finish.  I think I've been trying to prepare myself  for these mental hurdles on race day, but I didn't really take the time to think about how I would overcome them in training.  

I reached out to my coach to let him know that I wasn't doing so well.  He, of course, was very understanding and told me to take a day off if I need it and he unloaded some of my workouts.  I hate the idea of not doing workouts on my schedule, but I also hate feeling burned out.  

It sucks feeling like this so close to the end.  I've talked with others who have been down this path.  Most of them just smile and say, "Yes, that happens around this time." No one seems concerned or even very sympathetic.  If this is part of the journey, then I guess I'll just deal with it and move on. People say that challenges of this training will prepare me for race day.  No one said this was going to be easy.  I also don't think I've heard anyone say it was going to be fun.  

I hate to sound like Debbie Downer, but this is my story.  I'm not ready to give up, but I do need some time to regroup and rest.  Before I know it, it will be time to taper, and hopefully I'll start to feel like myself again. Despite the mental and physical exhaustion, I wouldn't trade the past year for anything, and I have a feeling I'll miss all of this when it's over.

A friend at work compared what I'm going through to the end of her pregnancy.  She was so tired and just wanted it to be over.  Instead of a 140.6 mile race to end her pregnancy, she went through labor and delivery.  I wonder how the two compare.  They both last several hours.  Ironman cuts you off after 17 hours, but labor keeps going.  Labor gives you the option of drugs.  You're more likely to share your Ironman pictures on Facebook than you are to share your labor pictures.  After Ironman you get a medal, and then you go home and sleep. My friend's pregnancy has been over for 9 months, but I don't think she's gotten any sleep yet.  Hmmm....

Even though things have been hard, I must say that coming home my dog, Roxy, always puts a smile on my face. 

"A true champion knows how  to overcome doubts and mange those doubts and  turn them into motivation." ~~ Misty Hyman